It's been a really bad weekend, to say the very least. A big fight with Hun had me wounded, but I'm healing. I don't want to delve into the he said/she said, but I was doing something he hates, one of his biggest pet peeves, he got pissed, I got pissed, we yelled at each other in front of babe, I asked him to pull over and I walked home (but first stopped to see a movie for some cool off time.) Pretty much a few months of resentment towards one another has erupted into not being able to stay in the same room as the other, not talking, and a full blown standoff. We have at least kept a neutral front for the kids, but they can see that something is off. I knew if we talked about it, it would be me apologizing and saying I would be a better person and work on making him happy, but that would be a lie and I don't lie anymore.
So, I searched for some advice in the form of a book (I'm an avid self help book kind of person.) I found a very helpful book, You Don't Have to Take it Anymore by Steven Stonsy, PhD. So far it's helped a lot, and I like how the author doesn't try to put down the relationship and say it's never going to work, instead teaches you how to heal from your wounds and work for a better relationship. It's focused on relationships with verbally or emotionally abusive husbands, but I think it works well for anyone who feels like their relationship has hit a wall. He talks a lot about anger and resentment and the pattern in which this anger and resentment turns to depression. He mentions that the anger and resentment is a high where you get amphetamine and analgesic effects, which boost up your energy and numb your pain, giving you a feeling of power. However, then you crash into a depression, and you subconsciously begin to look for things to be angry and resentful about just to get that boost of energy again. Each time you crash lower and lower until you have to be resentful all the time just to avoid the depression. He wrote the following few sentences, which seemed to hit my heart the most: "If this roller-coaster syndrome has happened to you, your life has become a joyless drive to get things done. You feel tense and irritable most of the time, and are not as sweet to your kids as you would normally be. It is impossible to feel lovable while you feel resentful and it's very hard to treat others lovingly."
I had posted up a status on my Facebook page last night regarding that fear. I don't want to take my anger and resentment out on the kids. I haven't yelled at them or anything, but I've not been very actively a part of their lives this weekend. My daughter comes up and asks me to make a craft and I say something along the lines of maybe later, I'm not feeling well right now. I don't feel like it. Luckily, I haven't gone too far with them, but other people haven't been so lucky.
While out to Cracker Barrel for breakfast this morning, a little boy, about 5 or 6 years old, took the toy my children were playing with right out of their hands, then came over and pushed right past me where I was standing to look at some other toys. His mom didn't see it so I said to him loud enough for his mom to hear "Excuse me, Do you know you just took that toy out of my childrens' hands, and then pushed me out of your way? Do you realize that was wrong?" She stepped in apologized for his behavior then added, "but your an adult you don't talk to kids like that." I flipped. I told her "I may be a bitch, but I also teach my children right from wrong and watch them while we are out to ensure they don't do something mischievous. They know better than to take a toy right out from someone else's hands, or to push anyone out of their way. Sorry you've failed as a mother in that aspect." I knew as soon as I said it that I had gone too far. I went from correcting a child for being wrong, to bullying an unsuspecting mom who maybe had too much on her plate. I apologized for saying it, but it was too late at that point. Now, I have guilt. All this because I'm in a fight with Hun.
So I am now reading the next chapter Removing The Thorns From Your Heart. Taking the afternoon to reclaim my inner peace and maybe then I can talk to Hun and we can bury this hatchet before I end up arrested for fighting a stranger. I know that I love him, without my love for hiim, I wouldn't be so hurt right now. I know he loves me for that same reason. We haven't quit, we just hit a wall and hopefully we can climb over it together and continue on our road hand in hand.