Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Never good enough - part 5

Hun and I slowly worked on being friends for the sake of the kids. Our family days were tense in the beginning, but soon enough they got easier and easier. We became good friends again, but never on the level of a relationship. Over the next two years, I lived on my own with the kids, but I held out hope that we would fall in love again and be a family under the same roof. I didn't date because I was still with him in my opinion, plus I wasn't ready.
We would have moments of happiness in which all was forgotten and we focused only on each other. We joked about getting married whenever the kids would ask and it gave me joy to even think about the possibility. Then he would get pissed off about something small and be miserable during our whole family day. He wouldn't talk to us all week and I'd lose hope that we could be happy together. There is only so much of the silent treatment that one person can tolerate, especially when it's about something really small. So after two years of building up hope and then being let down repeatedly, I decided to forget the option of being a real family again. It was time to move on.
I created a account, met a guy, had a first date, and really hit it off. I told Hun that I wanted to stop our family days because I met someone and it wouldn't be fair to the new guy for me to be hanging out with the old boyfriend. It hit him pretty hard, because he somehow thought we were in a really good relationship, I thought we were more friends with benefits, and honestly, that I was more of the doormat. We had an hour long phone conversation in which he tried to get me to change my mind. I told him how we weren't a real family, we hadn't been truly happy in almost 4 years. I told him how I lost hope of a happily ever after, I didn't want to be a family under two roofs for the rest of our lives, his OCD was too much stress on me and the kids, and I would never be good enough for him. We were too different to be good together. He needed to find someone who could handle his mood swings and silent treatments. We hung up, and didn't speak for 3 months.
I spent those 3 months in new relationship bliss, but I wasn't truly happy. The new guy was too young, partied too much, wasn't a kid person, and had too much family drama going on. We didn't even formally break up. We just stopped texting and calling each other after I kicked him out of my house one night for getting too drunk.
It was almost Easter, I was planning the 2nd annual Easter egg hunt at my house. I invited Love's dad's family and Hun over to see the kids search for their treasures. Hun asked if the new guy would be there. I told him no and let him know he wasn't in the picture anymore. A week later, we had another long talk about our disappointments in each other during the last few years and about reasonable expectations if we were to start a new relationship. It was the first time we ever had a serious talk about what we wanted in the relationship. Up until that point, it was either shut down or walk out, never talk it out. He knew he needed to work on his OCD and agreed that silent treatments weren't solving the problem. We also decided that we needed to be together under one roof. A family lives together, works through problems together, and stays together through thick and thin. After 3 months of this starting over we were still going strong, so I moved back to the money pit (which is not so much of a money pit anymore, although we still have a huge amount of work to do on it). We were actually sticking to our promises. He worked on his OCD, didn't shut down and instead spoke up. I let him control all the finances, giving every penny over to him, and he pays for anything we need/want. It hasn't been perfect, we struggle and sometimes shut each other out, but talk more, and have more fun too. We've been saving what we can to fix up the house, and thanks to our tax return we are completely debt free. No more credit will be used, there is no emergency big enough to make us go that route again.
While we have been happy, I've noticed he lets the small things bug him more when the bills are tighter. I am working on getting back into the work force, for my health, but also to strengthen our relationship. He hasn't formally proposed but we've searched for an engagement ring, and we are planning on getting married by the end of the year. We've discussed adding another little one to the picture but probably not until next year. So, our relationship has dramatically improved and is no where near faltering. I know we will hit rough patches, and pray for the strength to work together during those times. I know we can now, as long as we stay away from the perfectionism virus.
I still struggle to be good enough, as a mom, as a daughter, as a woman, as a "wife", as a business owner, as a blogger, as a non-artsy mom in a Pinterest/Etsy world, as a friend, and as a human. It's hard to come to terms with the fact I'm not perfect. I mean come on, look at how far I've come! I'll settle for worlds best mommy, or maybe just an award for putting up with the most idiots and not going completely bat shit crazy.

1 comment:

  1. This is SOOO eerily similar to my own situation with my husband. Maybe I'll blog about it one day. For now, it's too fresh and raw to post on my own page. I don't think he would want to read about it yet. I am so happy to see the "end" result, for now at least! <3