Saturday, January 26, 2013

Never good enough - part 1

Have you ever felt that you just weren't ever going to be good enough? I have, my whole life. Being different was the hardest thing and the worst thing in my mind. I couldn't accept not fitting in, so I stressed myself out trying to fit into social classes that weren't really true to myself. I tried to fit in everywhere, school, friends, family, work, and society in general, but I never found where I really belong. I'm awkward and clumsy and not beautiful but not ugly, I don't wear the latest fashions, I don't own a zillion pairs of shoes, I don't know a thing about sports or politics, I just don't know what I want or like in life.
My teen years were a mess with depression, suicide attempts, cutting, rebellious behavior, alcohol abuse, running away, and lost friendships.  My family worried about me, but were lost as to how to handle me. They knew they loved me, but I was a wild spirit and they just couldn't pin me down.
My twenties were split, half wild rebellion, half in full pursuit of figuring out what I wanted to do when I finally grew up. After a scary night where I ended up drugged and raped, and then losing my best friend a few months later to a car accident, it became clear that things needed to change. I moved back home, where the rule "as long as you are under my roof..." kicked in.
I fell in love in July 2005, found a great new job in a mortgage office on December 5th, 2005. Life was falling into place, then I found out we were pregnant. Atter the initial shock, the father decided he had to propose, it was the right thing to do. Well, my family wasn't happy about the situation but we rushed into planning a wedding and not 3 weeks after I found out I was pregnant and got engaged, we broke up, tried 3 weeks of counseling and finally called it quits. I had just entered the 2nd trimester, and was completely alone. My parents told me I could not stay with them once the baby was born, I needed to learn how to stand on my own two feet, and they were right. Now, the entire pregnancy I was told to give the baby up for adoption, that I couldn't give this baby a good life and she deserved so much more. I had faith in myself, for the first time I felt that I WAS good enough for someone. "Love" was born November 2006. I was 25 and my life forever changed.

Stay tuned for more!


  1. Oh my you did the right thing. Nobody's going to love "love" than you do. And nobody will give him/her a better future than you do.

    1. Thank you! :) I have thoroughly enjoyed proofing everyone wrong. "Love" is a mini me, everything she feels, I have felt at some point, so I know I made the right decision. No one could understand her as much as me.