Tuesday, May 21, 2013
***this is sort of a bitch rant that I wrote a few days ago. I wasn't going to post it, but YOU the reader, should know that I'm not in a good place. I'm more positive now that I will get out of it, but read the below and see how bad it got. Please note, this is not a cry for help. I have no intention of hurting myself or anyone else. I kinda got this shit handled. Kinda.
Fairy tales in reality rarely have happy endings, because fairy tales aren't reality. Truthfully, fairy tales are just words put together to put a child to sleep at night, Not to be used as a life quest.
Yet, we do it, we search for happily ever after, then settle for the happily for now. Our happy highs directly impact our misery lows, thus the happier you are now, the more depressed you'll be when you are down.
I was really, really over the moon happy a few weeks ago, so needless to say, I'm not having a great day or week, well, month. I am at an all time low, and I don't know if I have the strength to climb out of this one. Definitely not on my own, yet there seems to be no one that I want to turn to this time. There are plenty of people who would jump to my rescue with a hug and some kind words, but what I really need is time alone to reflect, time to take out the noise of the world listen to the silence of loneliness and get back to that centered, balanced point, where nothing is perfect, but I'm ok with it.
I think it seems easy enough, but then I think, really, what is the point of it all?
I get help, I get better, I'm at that happy point, until my meds stop working, or maybe people just become more assholey, and I am back to the deep depression. It's an endless cycle. I really didn't exaggerate the fact that depression doesn't just go away. It haunts you everyday, even when you think you got the right meds. At some point, I'm going to give it up. At some point, I'm going to work up the courage to say good bye to my children and family for the last time and just let go of it all. If it weren't for my children, and my fear of damaging them by abandoning them, I might have succeeded at some point already.
Which is what I want to do now, but instead find myself sitting in my car in the way back of an empty parking lot, with no immediate plans, other than to write this and cry for the next 30 minutes or so.
Then what, go back to my family and pretend that life is all about happily ever after? Probably. Hopefully, I get good news this week on the job front, which would give me benefits, and a good doctor to help me sort it out. Otherwise, if someone has a cabin deep in the woods far away from everything, let me know if I can borrow that shit for a weekend